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The Encounter

The Encounter

written about 2010 by Liza Loop


It was a dark and stormy night but few residents of Massapequot-Atlan would be aware of that. Aneelya stepped out of the elevator and turned left along the perimeter promenade gazing at the storm through the droplets on the transparent hull. The waves were breaking just above the handrail, adding their patterns to the droplets. The wind whipped the ocean into white caps as far as he could see.

None of the twenty-nine thousand, nine-hundred, ninety-nine other people who inhabited the Massapequot-Atlan ocean colony were taking advantage of the dramatic spectacle nature offered them just beyond the wrap-around window of their home. Of course, some would have taken the commuter sub from the edge of the Atlantic continental shelf where they were anchored, destination Boston or New York or Baltimore so they were not home tonight to enjoy the storm. Others might prefer the more tranquil deeper views. Storms rarely penetrated more than twenty feet below the surface. But submarine vistas were always available and almost always the same. The fish and other marine life came and went. The varieties were different on the east side that hovered over deep water beyond the continental shelf than in the west where the bottom was close by. But for Aneelya the fury of the storm was a reminder that human existence hadn’t always been so tranquil. He longed for challenge and danger.

The next viewing lounge was about a kilometer ahead along the gently curving promenade. Aneelya hoped the lights would be off so he could clearly see how the lightning lit up the clouds as the storm passed over them. Rough weather posed no danger to the mostly submerged structure. The greater bulk of M-A, as they called it, was so deep that even hurricanes and the fabled Nor’easters passed over them without so much as a ripple in a cup of coffee. He walked quickly, drinking in the excitement just beyond his reach.

The viewing lounge was as dark as he had hoped. Jerking the door open he switched the motion sensor off before it could flood the room with light. He followed the curve around, took a front row center seat and leaned back in the padded theater chair. He was glad the room was empty. There would be no inane comments about how civilization had again conquered raw nature. Maybe humans had conquered here on Earth but there were plenty of planets where colonists were discovering that Nature’s repertoire was much more extensive than Earth-dwellers imagined.

As an atmospheric scientist, Aneelya understood a great deal about the lightning display he expected to observe tonight. He also knew about the large scale electrical discharges known at ‘sprites’ and ‘blue jets’ that were likely to be happening above the clouds and so could not be seen from sea level. Taking account of such phenomena was important for safe launches into space from Earth. They were even more critical as a ship approached a planet from above whatever kind of clouds Nature had waiting for unwary astronauts. He was intimately familiar with computer simulations of Earth’s atmospheric acrobatics as well as those in the rest of the solar system and those hypothesized to exist on several exo-planets. But nothing computer generated could thrill him like watching the real thing in real time.

The storm approached rapidly, made more dramatic by the external microphones that brought both the snapping of the thunder and the slapping of the waves into the viewing room. Rain squalls to the left and right cut visibility down to less than 100 meters. But in the middle the sky was clear so that the lightning bolts illuminated the structure of the clouds. The thunder followed each flash more closely as the winds closed in. Flash. One-one thousand, Two one-thousand, Three one-thousand, Four one-thousand…Ten, one-thousand. Crash. Pause. Flash. One-one thousand, Two one-thousand, Three one-thousand, Four one-thousand. Crash. Pause. Suddenly the whole viewing room lit up as lightening hit the empty flag pole of the marina just out of sight leftwards of the viewing room. The huge thunder clap was immediate and Aneelya heard a gasp behind him. There was someone else in the room. He cast his eyes around in the darkness but couldn’t see anyone. The next flash, several seconds later was little help. The storm had passed over them going southwest and the lightning in the clouds was no longer visible. For the most part the show was over so he felt his way back to the switch and brought up the house lights.

It was no wonder Tarik had been hard to pick out in the dark room. Her skin, although brownish, was as dark as the purple velvet of the theater seats and her short brushy hair and large eyes were even blacker. Almost everyone in M-A was some shade of brown but this woman was exotic looking. Aneelya smiled and waved at her. “Hi. How did you enjoy the show?”
“Spectacular,” she said. “Hold on and leave the lights on. I’ll come down.” She rose, sidestepped to the aisle and strode down the ramp to the door where he waited for her. She extended her hand to him. “I’m Tarik. I don’t think we’ve met before.”
“More’s the pity,” he replied, responding to her greeting gesture. “Aneelya, here. Do you come here often?”
“Not usually,” she replied. “I was hoping for some inspiration for my work.”
“How ‘bout we go grab a cup of coffee or something and you can tell me about what you do – and about yourself too. I’m sure you’re aware of how striking you look. I was wondering whether you’re a purebred or a throwback.”
“Yes on the coffee and yes, I’m purebred. Fifteen generations that we know about. Originated in Ethiopia. Want to hear more?”
“I’m all ears,” he said guiding her along a radial toward his favorite café on this level. “Do you feel as special as you look? – if you don’t mind talking about it to a stranger.”
“Talking is fine. Actually, that’s part of my work. I’m a music historian specializing in ancient Africa. I do lots of public speaking and perform whenever I can so I’m used to explaining stuff to people I don’t know. I certainly look the part, don’t I?”


They both laughed as they entered the empty café and approached the sleepy barista. “I’ll have the Ethiopian dark roast,” he ordered with a grin. “What’s your pleasure?”
“Sweet hot chocolate, actually,” she said, sliding onto a bench near the window. “Sometimes I need a break from Ethiopian.”
“I was wondering about that. Maintaining a purebred family must be quite a commitment. And it’s something the kids don’t have much choice about until it’s too late.”
She nodded. “Uh huh. My nieces and nephews look just like you. My older brothers think the purebred movement is too much like a cult so they married out. My parents are very disappointed and they’re hoping I’ll follow their tradition. I do want to have kids but I haven’t made up my mind. Sticking to purebredism really narrows the field.”
“How many of you are there on M-A?” he asked.
“Only six resident families if you count my brothers’ separately. I live with my folks. My second cousins moved here about five years ago and their kids are all little. The other two families aren’t Ethiopian but they’re as black as we are and they’ve bred true for three generations so we let them register. So if I didn’t travel and wanted to stay purebred there would only be three husband-candidates. Fortunately I get around quite a bit. I lecture on all the continents and a good number of ocean colonies even though I’m not attached to any one university.”
“Sounds like a pretty exciting life,” Aneelya said wistfully. “Have you ever been off-planet?”
“Only once, to the Pan-Mars Music Festival three years ago. The conference was a blast but I hated space travel. I was sick the whole week enroute. Earth is quite big enough for me.”
“Really?” He sounded surprised. “I go out three or four times a year and I love every minute of it. I feel so confined here. That’s why I watch the storms. They give me a sense of distance. And, of course, planetary weather is my business and every storm is a little different. You said you hoped watching this one would inspire you. What’s that about?”
“Oh, simple. I’m working on a show about how native peoples tried to use song and dance to control rainfall. We have a few recordings of ancient rituals of this kind but not enough for a whole show so I have to improvise. They used drums to represent thunder but the rhythms are tricky. I thought listening to the real thing would help me compose. It’s so rare to actually hear thunder and rain these days. My audiences can’t make the association with the music unless I make it extremely obvious. I have to lead them from recordings of the real thing through my compositions that mimic the weather sounds very closely to the authentic ancient music. That way they get it. If we don’t work at it humanity will lose its history.”
“Sort of like it’s losing its racial diversity,” he mused. “Sometimes I feel so ordinary, so anonymous, being brown like everybody else. There are a few throwbacks in my family. I have an aunt who is very white and a cousin on the other side who is a lot darker than the rest of us. But mostly we’re pretty homogenized. My aunt’s husband is pretty light-skinned too but their kids are like me. How did you say it? They didn’t ‘breed true.’ “
“Exactly,” she nodded. “That’s why we have the registry. Sometimes a very dark throwback will want to marry into a purebred family. There’s nothing wrong with marrying whoever you want, of course. But if you choose to participate in preserving a racial line that shows the old traits you can’t afford the genetic dilution brought in by a throwback. If you do there’s no telling how the kids will turn out.”
He scanned her elongated face and tall, thin frame. “Yeah. Like I said, the kids don’t have much of a say in it do they? Did your parents choose music for your career too?”
“No. At least I don’t think they did. Everyone in my family dances and sings but nobody is compelled to do it. It just seemed to fit me easily. I studied jazz in high school because I liked it. Since my purebred relatives were always swapping folklore and stories about Earth’s racial history I knew a lot about that too. It wasn’t always a good thing to be black or brown you know. There was an era in North America, and South America too, I guess, when having dark skin meant you could be owned by a lighter skinned person.
“I heard about that – Negro slavery by European descended whites.” Aneelya drained his coffee cup. “But on other continents it was more a matter of who won the war than what color the loser’s skin was. The white Greeks made white prisoners into slaves and lots of dark Africans enslaved other Africans. So slavery wasn’t always a racial thing. It was more political sometimes.”
Tarik nodded in agreement again. “You’re right,” she said. “I wish everybody had as wide a grasp of history as you do. It’s bad enough here on Earth what with people forgetting the stupid things humans have done to each other over the millennia. I think purbredism is a little over the top but I’d hate to see us lose all our cultural diversity.
 “Not much chance of that,” he said, shaking his head. “You’ve been on Mars. The settlement is only fifty years old and they’re already starting to think Earth people are weird. They think we must be crazy to leave our colony habitats without a space suit. The kids don’t understand that our outside air is breathable. Mars already has a new culture.”
“I know, I know. I saw a lot of it at the conference. They have to adapt to conditions there, I understand that. But they don’t have to forget where they came from. I’m just so afraid they’ll forget all the lessons humanity has learned and have to experience the bad stuff all over again. You know, like wars and slavery, ecological disasters and, well, they could get xenophobic and begin to think Earth people are dangerous. They might decide genetic manipulation should be regulated by the government instead of letting parents decide like we do. I don’t think I want to leave Earth again. I have enough challenges trying to make sure the other continents know about African history.”

Aneelya gazed out the window of the café. He could just make out the outlines of the garden plots across the avenue. The clouds must have cleared because moonlight was streaming through the dome. The conversation was becoming difficult for him. Learning about Earth’s history and its different cultures was an amusing pastime for him but he wasn’t passionate about it the way Tarik obviously was. His excitement came from puzzling out what Nature would throw at humanity next. He and his fellow scientists had a pretty good idea of how to predict future conditions on Earth. They knew that they needed to monitor the jet stream and the magnetosphere to get input data for their weather and climate models. They had gotten pretty good at forecasting volcanoes and earthquakes by tracking movements in the crustal plates and magma flows. Sunspots and solar flares were well enough understood to anticipate electro-magnetic disruptions. Even nearby comets, meteors and asteroids were no longer mysterious collision hazards for Earth dwellers. The idea that humanity might pose a significant danger to itself was not something he had thought much about. He wasn’t so sure he wanted to know a lot about how people had been cruel to each other in the past. Human nature might be significantly more difficult to understand than Nature’s nature.

“Hey,” he said after a pause, “would you like to go down to the marina and see if we can get a boat? The storm is over so it might be safe to motor around for a bit.”
She looked shocked. “You mean leave the colony hull in an open craft? In the dark? At this hour?” Such a daring adventure had never crossed her mind before. “I’ve taken the sub to the continent hundreds of times and I’ve flown all over Earth but I’ve never been in a motor boat. I didn’t know you could do that. You really think it’ll be safe?”
“We won’t know until we go out and look,” he replied. “Come on. Let’s go see what it’s like. The marina’s always open but the harbor master won’t let us rent a boat unless he thinks the sea is flat enough. I go out all the time. It’s beautiful at night.”
“Won’t it be cold?”
“Maybe,” he smiled. “We’ll get sweaters and waterproof jackets with our life vests. And we won’t be out long – maybe 15 minutes or ½ hour. Let’s go look around. If it’s too rough we’ll just walk on the docks.”

She stood, gathered her purse and wrap, then followed him out the door of the café. The temperature on the streets of Massapequot-Atlan was kept about 68 degrees Farenheit during the day and allowed to drop 7 or 8 degrees at night. When the external air was near these levels the portals would be opened and ocean breezes wafted through the colony. Most of the time, however, the climate of the north Atlantic was considerably colder than M-A inhabitants found comfortable so the portals were closed and the heat pumps regulated ambient temperature. Inside apartments, offices and shops there were thermostats that allowed residents and proprietors to control their immediate surroundings. The submarine port was a little above the equator of the cylindrical colony hull, about halfway down the vertical extent of the structure. Passengers boarded through a lock so the external weather had no impact. For children born on M-A their first trip to the continent was often their introduction to the vagaries of Earth’s climate. Before leaving M-A for the first time kids might have seen and heard weather from one of the viewing rooms but never have felt it. Although anyone was welcome to take advantage of the 5 surface marinas located around the exposed top of the hull, few did. Motoring, fishing, sailing and swimming in the open ocean were considered extreme sports that only the most daring engaged in.

The ocean colony hull was shaped like an elongated egg. It had twelve levels, nine of which were used by inhabitants. The top level protruded above the ocean surface with its deck about two feet below sea level. Much of its domed roof was transparent so Level 1 housed both garden plots and recreational facilities. The perimeter promenade circled the inside of the hull, interrupted by four viewing rooms. The six floating marinas were positioned around the outside of Level 1, three small facilities for recreation, one for the fishing fleet, another for the fish farms and one for sea-surface cargo. Level Two was mostly taken up by storage facilities and industrial processes that required air cooling since it was close to the surface. Both the cargo and the passenger submarines docked on Level 6 near the halfway depth of the hull. Passengers usually preferred the two- to three-hour subsurface rides to US dryland cities because they were smooth and independent of storms and seasons. Level 7 housed the automated machinery that sustained conditions necessary for habitation of the hull as well as automated manufacturing that functioned for months at a time without human intervention. Level 11 was ballast storage. Keeping all heavy items not currently in use near the bottom of the hull made the whole structure remarkably stable. People lived, worked, shopped, learned and recreated on the other levels. Like Level 1, Level 12 had a transparent dome that provided a 360 degree view of the ocean floor. People visited Level 12 for recreation, education and to conduct scientific research. Residential living rooms and executive offices occupied the circumference of most levels making maximum use of window area. Shops, restaurants and workplaces filled the interior spaces. Avenues were laid out in concentric circles on each level and were intersected by radial Streets that ran from the central circular plaza to the hull.

Aneelya guided Tarik to the left along the arc of the avenue in front of the café and took the second right one block to get to the perimeter. At the outer door he pushed the call button to request exist to the marina. A sleepy operator answered.
“Does the harbor master know you’re coming?” asked the operator.
“No, we just decided to go out on the spur of the moment. He won’t be expecting us,” Aneelya replied.
“We could go another time,” Tarik cut in. Her enthusiasm for this adventure was ebbing away rapidly.
“Better call him first,” said the operator. “Do you have his code?”
Aneelya pushed on the door with his fist to express his frustration with being so completely regulated within the colony and then noticed Tarik’s frown. “Of course,” he said in a cooperative tone that hid his disgruntlement. “I’ll ask the harbor master to call you for door release.”
“I’ll be right here,” laughed the operator. “I’m not going anywhere.” The intercom disconnected with a click.


The harbor master answered Aneelya’s ring with a friendly yawn. “Sure, come on out and take a look around,” he said in answer to Aneelya’s request. “I don’t know about free motoring in a run-about though. It’s still pretty choppy after the storm and, well, you know the models. My screen says there’s another rough cell about an hour out from us. It could miss us but the sims aren’t that accurate. What would I tell the guard captain if a squall capsized you and he had to take the cutter out to rescue you? Say, it’s pretty chilly out here. Do you need me to grab a couple of jackets for you?”
Grinning broadly through the window at the white-capped swells that were still slapping the colony hull, Aneelya finished the arrangements. He put his hand on the door handle to wait for the unlocking click and looked up at Tarik. Horror was written on her furrowed brow and her knuckles showed even blacker than the already dark skin of her clenched hands. “This whole idea frightens me,” she said in a small voice. “I’m sure I don’t want to risk my life in a boat but what if the wind comes up while we’re out on the dock? Won’t we get blown away?”
His grin faded. “It’s perfectly safe on the dock. And we could just sit in a boat while it’s tied up. That way you could get used to the feel of it bobbing in the water.” The lock clicked open and he held the door for her as a blast of cold air invaded the exit platform above the promenade. She pulled her light wrap around her shoulders and followed him down the swaying ramp steadying herself with the railing. She stumbled as she stepped from the ramp to the contrasting movement of the floating dock and he put his arm around her waist to offer stability. She started to pull back, uncomfortable with the intimacy of his touch but then leaned against him to keep her footing.
“I’m gonna’ freeze out here,” she muttered. He pointed to the harbor master’s hut thirty steps farther up the dock and pushed her along gently.
Reston, the harbor master, dropped a warmed jacket over her shoulders as they entered the toasty warm hut. “You’ll want to take that off in a minute or two but it will make you think you’re warmer immediately.” He indicated two folding canvas chairs for them and reseated himself in a large wooden chair that looked like it had been molded to his ample backside. “How did you get mixed up with this crazy wanderer?” Having caught her breath, Tarik glanced quickly around the room and brought her eyes to rest on the harbor master. Reston looked like an illustration of an old fashioned sea captain from one of her Bristish or American history books. He had a full grey beard and windblown hair that touched his shoulders. His trousers sported more embossed gold buttons than needed to keep them in place and his white shirt had blousy sleeves with long cuffs and hung open at the neck. His weathered, wrinkled skin suggested he might be very old but his smooth movements said otherwise. Both men baffled her.
“We’re not exactly ‘mixed up’,” she replied. “We just met a couple of hours ago. We were both watching the storm in the East viewing room. You two seem to be old friends.”
“Well, I’m old, no doubt about that. And I guess he’s a friend. A former shipmate anyway. I was crew on a research vessel and he was part of the science team. We must have been off Earth for about three and a half years. Saw four planets and better than 20 asteroids. That was my last voyage. The doc said I could either die miserably in space or find myself a healthy occupation Earthside. There’s not much excitement on the continents. Out here in the ocean is the closest thing I could find to an alien environment.” He shrugged and turned his attention to Aneelya. “When are you going to ship out again?”
“My 3-month gravity rest is up in about 3 weeks, Res. I’ve been hanging out with my parents and ragging on my sister for choosing the wrong man to marry. I’ve got three gigs lined up and I need to decide which one to take.”


Tarik must have warmed up some because she opened up her jacket. Reston reached for an old fashioned tobacco pipe. “Go on,” he said. “Tell us about your options.”
Aneelya glanced at Tarik. “Are you comfortable here for a few more minutes? We were going to at least walk the docks.”
She glanced at the dark water visible through a small window behind him. “Oh that’s ok. I’d like to hear your plans.”
“Well, SSM, that’s Sol System Mining, is expecting the outer asteroids to open up soon for exploration. They want to send out an advanced science team to survey conditions on several of the larger ones. The small ones don’t have any atmospheres so there’s no climate to speak of. They won’t need me there. The materials people do the prospecting and all the habitats have to be basically space-hardened. But the larger bodies have all sorts of interesting atmospheric changes depending on what gasses there are and how far from the sun their orbits take them. That would be a 5-year contract.”
“Then there’s an opening for someone with my skills at the Ramada Mars Colony. That would probably require me to become a Colony citizen and I’m not sure I want to do that. Fixed colonies, no matter where they are, have a certain regimentation that begins to irritate me within a year or two. I grew up here on M-A and I’m usually fine here for six months or so. But once I know the routine and most of the people I get antsy. So, Mars would be safe, steady work and dull as dishwater in short order.”
“There’s also a spot on the Exo-planet Expedition IV for a climatologist. Now that would be real adventure – and I’d need to close down my affairs here because I wouldn’t be coming back. I don’t know whether I’ll qualify or not – I’ve been studying a lot to prepare for the interviews.”
Tarik gasped and put her hand to her mouth. “Would you do that? Aren’t the chances of getting killed on a trip like that really high?”
“Yup,” he grinned. “There’s been no contact with the previous three teams since the first one left 5 years ago. We don’t know whether they’ve been destroyed, are still traveling or are happily colonizing some rock somewhere. They don’t call the volunteers Kamikazes for nothing.”
“I wish I were younger,” Reston said wistfully. Tarik shook her head.
“I don’t understand why anybody would even consider such a thing,” she said. “I can see Mars or even the asteroid thing but why risk your life like that? Don’t you want to have a family? I thought you really liked your career. There’s so much work to do here.” She got up and walked the few steps to the window. The wind was picking up again and little waves slopped onto the surface of the dock. “Maybe we’d better go back. It doesn’t look like walking out there will be very pleasant.”


Aneelya and Reston looked at each other for a long moment as if they could share thoughts without speaking, then Aneelya shrugged and turned toward the door.
“You can leave the jacket on the hook just inside the hull when you go in,” Reston offered. “Very nice to meet you. Come back on a calm clear afternoon and we’ll get you that boat ride.” He shook hands with Aneelya and slapped him on the back. “You come back and tell me what you decide, YaYa. I might be able to introduce you to some helpful folks. We sure had some fun last time.” He held the door for them as they dashed into the wind heading for the hull.
The iris scanner had them identified and the door unlocked before they could reach for the handle. Any known person could come into M-A even though there were safety restrictions for leaving that required human decisions. Tarik found the hook for her coat, left it and looked down the promenade.
“It’s pretty late,” she said, “and it’s certainly been an – ah – interesting evening. Thank you and the very best of luck to you.” She turned toward the radial street.
“Wait! I mean, please don’t rush off. Did I do something to upset you?” Aneelya’s expression was half way between puzzlement and dismay.
“Oh no,” she said. “I’m not upset. I’m still a little cold but I’ll warm up. And this really has been a change from my normal activities. I meant it when I said it was interesting.”
“Me too. I mean your story is interesting. I’ve heard about purebreds before but you’re the first I’ve ever met.” He paused and looked back toward the outer doorway. “We could go out on the docks again when the weather is better. The ocean is really beautiful on a calm day.”
“I don’t think so.” She shook her head.
“OK. Maybe you could play some of your music for me. What’s you number? I’ll give you a call next week after I’ve had my next interview.”
She looked directly at him and cleared her throat. “Aneelya – YaYa, is that what the harbor master called you? – I don’t think there’s any point in our getting together again. We’re really on very different trajectories. I’m going to stay here on Earth for the most part, continue my historical research and try to keep ancient African culture from being completely forgotten. It isn’t because you’re not Ethiopian or not an attractive guy. You’re a fine person. It’s that – how did the harbor master put it? – You’re a wanderer. Yeah, I travel and what I do excites me. But you’d be bored to tears after the first 10 minutes of one of my conferences. Even though I was born in this ocean colony my idea of water recreation is wading up to my ankles in the Red Sea. You want to go motoring in the North Atlantic in a thunder storm.”
“But if we got to know each other we might find more things we like to do in common.” He was grabbing at straws.
“And then what?” she asked. “Just when we get comfortable with each other’s company you’ll take off on a one-way trip to Planet X. No, this was a chance encounter. It’s been a pleasant, if a little challenging, evening. I’ll remember it. I’ll remember you and we might run into each other again before you leave for good. But I don’t want you to call me.”
He couldn’t think of an effective counter argument. “You’re probably right,” he said. “There were a couple of times tonight when I couldn’t think of what to say next – like now. I guess ‘thank you’ would be appropriate. I was having a good time before we met and these last couple of hours have been good too. I’m glad you’re doing the work you do. People like me probably would forget where we came from if people like you didn’t remind us. And what I do is important too. Human beings are going to continue to colonize space and my work really does improve their chances of success. But you’re right. I’m addicted to wind and waves and weather and electrical storms. I don’t just want to study them, I want to be out in them as much as I can. Wading on the shore is just what I do before I dive in.” He put a hand on each of her shoulders and gave her a quick kiss on the check. “You have a wonderful life,” he said and started clockwise down the promenade. After about 10 steps he looked back to see her back disappearing through the door to the elevator to the lower levels.


It took him about 5 minutes to jog back to the viewing room where they had first encountered one another. This time he looked carefully around the room before dousing the lights. This time it really was empty. The first lightening flash was faint and the thunder that rolled out from the speakers many seconds later was only a low grumble. It would be a while before this second storm front reached the hull. He took a front row seat again and leaned back to wait for the wind to whip the ocean into another frenzy.


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Elderly ✔︎ Undiagnosed ✔︎ Autistic ?

Liza picking a scabThis essay is a second installment of my journey toward understanding why and how I am so “weird”. In my first essay, Autism @ 80, I used the term Asperger’s. After a month of reading articles about, and testimony from, people diagnosed with Autism I find the term and much of the concept of ‘Asperger’s’ has been banished to the dog house and that many neurodivergent people prefer to see ‘autistic’ as a personal identity rather than a condition or disability that a person has. Regardless of the truth value of the statement “Liza is autistic”, delving into the autism literature is giving me a lot of very comforting ‘aha moments’. I’ll share a few with you.

Jonah’s birthday party. So my son invited many of his friends and family to drop in at a local bar on the eve of his birthday. I found myself unusually comfortable in this small crowd (about 12) and small talk on my topic-de-jour came easily. “Autism, oh ya, I was diagnosed two years ago. And this is my doctor, she’s on the spectrum too.” Then I noticed that my grandson was reeling off a highly technical explanation of AI tokens and the person who had kicked off the discussion was right there with him. A new person walked up, greeted my son with a hug and they immediately began a loud, esoteric conversation about some business deal they had been involved in a couple of years ago. No introductions or social niceties, no problem. No masking. Now I’m wondering whether I have been uncomfortable when I visit my son and his tribe because I have been expecting neurotypical social rules and they had already dispensed with them.

Speaking of Masking. Everybody finds themselves on stage some of the time, suppressing spontaneous comments or behaviors and adopting others that seem more socially acceptable. But this is not an hour-by-hour experience for everybody. If I’m correctly interpreting the personal descriptions by autistics as found on the internet, the experience of having to puzzle out what to say in order not to be offensive is a continuous challenge. I’ve finally learned to keep my mouth shut until I’ve constructed an inoffensive script (to put on my mask) in most social situations. At the birthday party, nobody took offense. They seemed to ignore anything that might have been off color and to welcome the atypical. But for me not masking has become difficult as well, even in a group that appreciates my eccentricities.

Except for the picking. All my life, every scrape, blemish, insect bite, fingernail, hangnail, rough spot, and unidentified lump has been a target. I scratch or bite myself constantly. It’s impossible to mask, to hide, to stop; it’s more than just a bad habit. At the party I watch my daughter-in-law knitting. She’s always knitting when she’s not writing or petting the cat. My mother was always knitting or crocheting. My grandmother did embroidery. In an earlier age someone who was constantly flint napping or some other craft performed with the hands, repetitively, would be a necessary asset to group survival. Today we buy “fidget toys” for our kids and ask them to sit still.

Tyranny of the Typical.  So if I’ve been surrounded by neurodivergents in my family of origin and my children, why have I had to mask so much. Why am I, along with many other adult females, experiencing a sense of relief and grief as more of us disclose that we have been masking our inner experience in order to function in modern society? Any satisfactory answer is likely to be long, complex and rooted in both individual and group dynamics. Let’s start by imagining life for humans as hunting and gathering prey animals who lived in small, relatively isolated bands.

Today we have machines that do the repetitive sewing, carving, berry picking tasks that require constantly moving hands. We rarely have to pick the parasites out of each other’s hair and we don’t open or lick wounds to  prevent  infection. What was typical and necessary is now dysfunctional in much of modern life. Along with the kind of repetitive actions seen in autistic people, unique ideas and innovative behavior would  also help the group adapt to changes in environmental conditions and develop new social interactions. Natural selection probably has preserved some neurodiversity. On the other hand, hunting, along with infant care, and building communal structures or boats, requires cooperation, predictable skills, timing, and trust – – typical (predictable) behavior. You don’t want one of the hunters to spook the herd just when the others have it surrounded or one of the builders to drop the lodgepole at the moment it is being set into place. Thus, natural selection would also ensure the group had some neurotypicals.

How is it that the neurotypicals now seem to have the upper hand and have convinced even the neurodivergent folks to pathologize their own behaviors? One answer may be that neurodivergent people are less likely to self-organize and develop a common voice. Their differences are from each other as well as from the typicals. Even if there are more divergents than typicals, rules, common beliefs, and cultural norms will not emerge as readily among the divergents. The typicals are better at articulating the value they bring to the whole group. The cooperating hunters are now corporate executives, police, doctors, academics, and politicians. The divergents are scattered among homemakers, farmers and factory workers, inventors, artists, scientists, researchers, explorers, risk-taking entrepreneurs, political activists, shamans, and social drop outs of many kinds. Does this imply that the neurotypicals have used their very typical-ness to consolidate both the overarching cultural narratives and means of physical force to marginalize the neurodivergent? If so, I doubt that it was either conscious or intentional. Whatever the underlying motivations and evolutionary dynamics, for the past several hundreds of years, the neurodivergent, autistic, and socially deviant populations have been labeled sick, disabled, defective, useless, or dangerous often enough to make masking of their differences the ticket for participation in mainstream society. It led to my family of origin, most if not all of whom were pretty divergent themselves, reject and criticize me if I didn’t mask the very behaviors I saw in them. Luckily, the narratives had already begun to change when my children were born in the early 1970’s. I did my best to celebrate their uniqueness while supporting them through the inevitable pressures to conform that school and employment presented. The happy and comfortable birthday party tells me my efforts are paying off.

Healing Grief and Anger, Reclaiming Self and Power.  What more do I need to do? I’ve learned a lot in a month of read, writing, and talking about autism. Am I finished? Not hardly, not for myself, not for our broader social narrative. I read and agree with several criticisms of the term “autism spectrum” and the implication that there is a single, linear dimension against which to measure the strengths and challenges faced by neurodiverse people. There is a much more nuanced story to be discovered and then told about the various ways the human nervous system is “wired”. New chapters in that story are now being written, about just how varied the human nervous system can be for individuals who survive to adulthood, about the relationships among genetics, epigenetics, and life experience, about the long term effects of physical and psychological trauma on the behavior of individuals, about how cultural and social collective actions afford freedom of action for individuals. What is said about humans in general will impact my view of myself.

And my personal story? I’ve carried anger for almost 80 years toward my family, schools, and communities over the ways they have reacted to my “weirdness”. Some said I was ‘intelligent’, ‘high-strung’, ‘neurotic’, ‘hypochondriacal’, ‘depressed’, ‘chaotically attached’, ‘suffering from narcissistic wounding’… misdiagnosed. But I’m not sure they ‘missed the diagnosis’ of autism either. The term “diagnosis” continues to medicalize inappropriately. Rather, we all failed recognize how varied we humans can be in our sensations and in our thought patterns. We – I – got caught in the different-is-bad trap. When everybody in the trap is different, everybody is bad. As all of us support each other in taking off our masks, as we move from different-is-bad to different-is-interesting, my anger is morphing into sadness. That we have been punishing each other for being diverse is sad but there’s nobody to blame. My parents didn’t know any better and they didn’t intend to hurt me any more than the crowd at the grocery checkout counter means to send me home exhausted after shopping.

Believing that I have been hurt, even without blaming others or myself, gives me space to grieve. Grieving leads to healing. Spaciousness also comes from reading about the ways autistics protect themselves from sensory overload and take time to rest and recover. Instead of asking myself what’s wrong with me when I’m ready to leave the party after two hours, I’m saying, “for you, two hours is a good run.” I’m wondering what other useful tips I can harvest from lists of strategies for parents of diagnosed autistic children.

It’s not all good. I’m still in the middle of what I have always thought of as ‘a depressive episode’ or ‘seasonal affective disorder’. But now I’m wondering whether I’m experiencing ‘autistic burnout’ from too many hours in Zoom meetings last week. I can’t change the seasons and I’ve never been able to climb out of the depression – – except by giving myself the kind of space and decompression time I find mentioned in the autistic literature. And I can schedule fewer online meetings. Is that Self and Power? Well, yes, somewhat. Can I decrease my picking and scratching? Not yet, but I’m going to get a spinner ring for starters

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All my life I have felt like an outsider, like I’m an actor on a stage playing a role for an audience. Am I autistic? How would I know? Does it matter?

Am I autistic?
Well, that depends on who is applying the label. People have called me many names but no one has used the terms autism or Asperger’s. When I asked my psychotherapist whether he thought I had Asperger’s syndrome he replied, “Definitely not”. But recently I have been reading what adults diagnosed with some form of autism say and comparing their descriptions with my lifetime of internal experience. There are a lot of pretty close matches.

How would I know?
Here are some clues.
The website https://www.medicinenet.com/what_are_the_signs_of_aspergers_in_adults/article.htm
offers 10 signs of Asperger’s in adults. Keep in mind that there is a lot of disagreement within the medical community about where to draw the line between ‘neurotypical’ and ‘neurodiverse’ but these 10 are usually mentioned.

1. Social awkwardness. Check. As far back as kindergarten I have felt like an outsider, feeling excluded, not knowing how to get myself included, baffled by how to take appropriate turns in a conversation. My peers told me I was “stuck up”, “conceited”, “scary”. I wasn’t disruptive so adults didn’t say anything.
2. Difficulty understanding jokes or sarcasm. Uh huh. Mom used to tell me I was too “literal minded”. And I hated the situation comedies that were (and still are) popular on TV. I thought they were demeaning rather than funny.
3. Challenges in making or keeping friends. That one’s a definite match for me. My response to the pandemic was relief – – “getting in touch with my inner hermit”, I explained to the folks I ran into while out walking my dog. Most of the time I prefer the company of animals rather than humans, although lately my cat has become annoyingly demanding.
4. Sensory and motor issues. This is not such an obvious fit for me. Although…I don’t choose bright lights, avoid rock concerts (loud noises), and dislike perfumes. Food, balance, and coordination are not problems for me but I have a high tolerance for pain and only appreciate some types of touch.
5. Avoidance of eye contact. Bingo! Eye contact frightens me and I have no idea how some people find eyes to be the “windows to the soul”.
6. Lack of adherence to social rules. This ‘sign’ can be difficult to interpret. Although internally I don’t have much respect for social rules, it rarely occurs to me to break them with my actions. Perhaps this is the result of growing up in a household where breaking the rules had severe consequences. Or maybe staying with social rules gives me a sense of routine and security. In my head, on the other hand, there are no social rules.
7. Very strong and particular interests. No question that this describes me. Reading used to keep me up all night. I avoid video games because they are so addicting. Animals are my closest friends. I collect many different things, including genealogical data. Math, science, psychology and puzzles all turn me on.
8. Difficulty with change. Not my issue, at least, not on the surface. This could be because my ‘routines’ are so complex that they look like ‘change’. Or maybe difficulty with change is more salient for people with more chaotic sensory experience, those who find change threatens their need for control and predictability. It might be interesting to look into this further.
9. Strong ability to focus. That I can do. 50 years of fascination with learning and education attests to that. But I’m also quite distractible. I can start out researching one topic and suddenly get sucked into an in depth exploration of something related. I wonder if the difference between ability to focus and ‘attention deficit’ could be a matter of how rapidly focus shifts rather than lack of focus.
10. Strong attention to detail and pattern recognition. For me, it’s deeper than recognizing patterns. Patterns are very exciting. I love the weaves, textures, and graphic repetitions you find in a fabric store. Finding a typographical error in an essay is deeply satisfying.

Does it matter?
To me, a formal diagnosis or label doesn’t matter at all. That’s because I’m not looking for social services and support that require an official diagnosis for access. What I am seeking is understanding and comfort among kindred spirits. By including myself in a named cluster of like-minded thinkers I hope to be able to come down from the stage, to drop some of the actor’s facade and relax into myself while in the company of others. Sometimes we call these others ‘friends’.

In future posts I’ll reflect on some of my childhood memories and interactions, many of them disturbing to me, that I’m reinterpreting through a lens of autism. I find these personal narratives a way of soothing and comforting myself. My hope in making them public is that readers will be encouraged to construct their own narratives and will have a similar experience of enhanced wellbeing. 

 

 

 

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by | November 14, 2025 · 11:26 pm

Spontaneous calls – broken appointments

For years, I’ve been telling people I’m very flexible with my schedule. I invite them to call me anytime. This morning a colleague sent me a text requesting that we cancel a weekly meeting with about a half hour notice. I found this really annoying. Why was she being so rude? Of course, I agreed to cancel the meeting, but then I thought about it. How had I indicated to her that this was an appropriate action?

What do we mean when we say our schedule is flexible? Well it means we are willing to change it, but the consequences of spontaneous interactions compared to canceled appointments are really important.

When a spontaneous call comes in, I have the flexibility to accept the call or let it go to voicemail. If I don’t want to be interrupted, I can set my phone so it doesn’t ring at all. If you send me an email I have the choice as to when I read it.

Breaking an appointment at the last minute has an entirely different effect. When I have a scheduled appointment, I build the rest of my day around that commitment. The first appointment decreases my flexibility to arrange to meet someone else at that time. It impacts when I eat, when I sleep, when I exercise, how I prepare to do an intensive bit of solo work. If you text me at 9:30 to request, we cancel a 10 o’clock appointment, I have to rethink everything else. And, although I do have a choice, I could refuse to cancel the appointment, it’s not likely to be a very satisfactory meeting since you don’t want to be there.

Of course, a cancellation also opens up some space for me to add a task or take an extra break. It’s the sense of control, the ability to accept or reject the change, that makes the difference.

Not only does a last minute cancellation of an appointment shake up my day, it impacts our relationship if it happens frequently. It makes me wonder what other agreements that we have made will be subject to one sided, last-minute revision. I begin to question whether I can trust what you say to me.

This kind of relationship friction is never the fault of a single party. I accept that I was the one who claimed flexibility. Having thought this concept through a little more thoroughly, I’ll probably explain myself better in the future. If you say you’ll do something or be somewhere, I’ll expect that to happen. I understand that it’s only a prediction, but in most situations, we know a day or two in advance, whether we are likely to be able to make that meeting or deliver something on time. Unless I hear from you a day or two in advance, I’ll trust what you previously said to me. Cancellations and revisions are fine, but not at the last moment. That doesn’t mean that every brainstorm must be delayed until a future appointment can be made. I might be stuck in the middle of a demanding task and wishing for an interruption, but you don’t know that. So, when you take the chance of phoning me with no warning, I just might be delighted to chat with you – I’m flexible when I still have the power to accept or reject the change in my planned day. When you cancel a slot that I have reserved for you with effectively no notice, be aware that I am keeping score. You have just lost a few points on my flexibility meter.

 

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Is it PHISHING???

I didn’t directly order any tests from IHD labs but maybe one of the doctors I have consulted over the years did. How do I know whether this message is legitimate or not? What is my appropriate response?

I tried calling the number given. After 5 minutes on hold I gave up. After all, they have an infinitely patient AI to harass me but my human calendar is already full. I did leave a message explaining that I will not pay anything without further information. Since they already have my phone number they should be able to identify me with that. I left them no other personal data.

I looked up IHD Lab on the web. Yes, they seem to be a real medical testing lab in southern California. Neither I nor any of my doctors live anywhere near them. I could find no phone number or email address to enable me to discuss their claim. I have no way to verify that the message on my phone actually came from IHD Lab.

This is a perfect example of why many of our technologies are not sufficiently developed to be released to the public. On the one side, they enable criminal behavior for which most of us have no defense. On the other side, the organizations that deploy them legitimately do not understand how to provide adequate information to their clients. Everyone is a victim of childish digital developer geeks telling themselves, “if we can do it, why not?”

This is why not.

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New Practices for Year 80 – Episode 2

It has been close to 6 months since I started practicing being 80 and almost three months since I wrote Episode 1. A lot has changed, most of it good…

I submitted my resignation as Executive Director of the nonprofit I started 50 years ago – – effective Nov. 3, 2025.

 

My oldest grandson turned 21 and I went to his birthday party. He is surrounded by talented bakers!

 

I’ve walked around my town or into the countryside even though it’s often dark and rainy. I’m counting my steps and competing with myself to equal or surpass the number each day. Not by much, just a little.

 

I had a relaxed visit with my first born and his family in Washington state. Playing cards was a favorite occupation of my grandparents.

 

Most importantly, I’ve stopped filling my calendar with more appointments and tasks than I can manage in each day.

Sometimes people ask me what I’m going to do with myself now that I’m retiring. It seems like a funny question since I’ve had the privilege of doing whatever work I chose for most of my life. The difference is that I’m not going to push myself any more. I can stop trying to prove I’m worthy of the advantages I was born with.

The results are blooming already. I’m sleeping better and am less depressed. Perhaps I’m accomplishing less but I’m still feeling better about it.

Next time I’ll tell you more about the things I am doing. They’re not all wonderful. Certainly I will continue to think, write, and talk to people around the world about learning and education. I’m also darning that pile of old socks full of holes and learning to make bread in a dutch oven.

All these things require practice.

 

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by | January 3, 2025 · 1:33 pm

Mother and Our Three Dogs

This is my first experiment with posting my audio recordings. I made this one on my 63rd birthday during a period when I was trying to sort out how my childhood experiences have shaped my personality, character, and adult behavior.

All of us have had some trauma as we grew up. Challenges are part of life. For many of us, the small, vaguely remembered incidents may have had more influence than those lightbulb events we usually label as psychologically impactful. This is a recollection of three incidents that I rarely associate with my mental health issues of depression, fear of abandonment, and anxiety over challenging authority. Don’t get me wrong. I love animals – horses and dogs especially, cats too but not as much. My childhood home was always teaming with critters – familiar domestic pets, captured or wounded wild ones, and science experiments. Most of my memories are of gratifying interactions. But these three probably deserve some further reflection.

Click on the white triangle below to listen. It takes a few seconds for the audio to load before starting.

Bloodhound Dog with long ears on floor.

The original Liza’s ears drooped on the floor when she slept. Pepper would lie like this at the foot of Mother’s bed.

Trippy was always alert for a game or a chase, even a car.

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by | November 16, 2024 · 12:02 pm

ChatGPT Promises not to Make Things Up

There are lots of fun and practical  ways to use the powerful Large Language Model known as chatGPT. But when you want reliable information, watch out. This evening I asked chatGPT, version 3.5, to help me with some research on Open Educational Resources (OER). These are free or very low cost textbooks, short lessons, videos, etc. that any of us can use to learn about almost anything that is taught in schools – nursery school through professional training. I’ll show you parts of the conversation transcript in a minute. But here’s the punchline of this post:

So for any of you who are worried about whether OpenAI, (chatGPT’s corporate parent) is going to stop pretending to provide real, reliable answers to our questions, here’s their promise to cease and desist.

How did we get here? Well, one of the biggest problems with OER is that it can be very difficult to find the right instructional material for what you want to learn. Teachers and instructional designers compose these lessons, or sometimes even whole textbooks or courses, and submit them to organizations called Repositories that act like public libraries. There are many thousands of titles in Repositories waiting for you to discover and use them for free, either by downloading them to your smart phone, tablet, or computer, or by logging into the ‘cloud’ where they live and using them online. So which one is right for you? You have to search the Repository – each Repository – using a limited list of keywords, words like language (English, Spanish, Chinese), audience level (1st grade, high school, beginner, adult), or subject (biology, arithmetic, Python programming). However, each Repository’s search features are a little different. Hmmm, is this a problem chatGPT can help solve?

I started by asking for a list of repositories.

This is good and now you also know where to look for free textbooks, etc. Type one of these repository names into your search engine and start exploring.

Next I wanted to know what keywords we can use to filter the search results for each of these repositories, so I asked the machine… 

You can see from the response I got that chatGPT didn’t understand what I was asking for. All three lists were the same.

 

So I fiddled around with the way I asked for the lists and finally got something that looks about right. I had to ask for a comparison of just two repositories rather than all twenty at once.

Wow! This is just what I wanted. It looks like OER Commons and MERLOT both have 15 search parameters, they share 11 and each have 4 that they don’t share. Now maybe the machine has ‘learned’ enough to generate the lists for all 20 Repositories.

Nope, we’re not doing that. Suddenly we’re back to “commonly provided” and “parameters may vary” when what I want to know is exactly how they vary. This makes me question the responses provided about OER Commons and MERLOT. If the AI can give me accurate answers about two repositories why can’t it do 20. Isn’t the ability to do the same dull task over and over the very reason we humans want to use this technology? Here’s what happens next…

The wording on the OER Commons and MERLOT lists did not indicate these were “possible”, “typical”, or “likely”. It says these are the “unique parameters”. Is this accurate or fake information?

Hey Buddy, this is not “oversight”, this is misrepresentation. First you said, “Here’s the real stuff” when you were just blowing smoke. I won’t find out whether the information is trustworthy or not unless I already know enough to spot fake news and challenge you on it. When challenged you tell me your answer was incorrect. This disclaimer should come before the beautifully worded but untrue essay, not after. This is what make AI dangerous to the non-expert. 

When challenged, chatGPT back peddles, pretends it has human emotions, and then promises to reform its reprobate ways…

Is there any reason to believe this string of characters carries any more veracity than the ones that have come before? Who is speaking/typing/communicating here? Is there any author? Any accountability? 

 

I don’t give up easily so here’s my further challenge…

We are back to the beginning of this post. We have a public statement from Open AI:

“This response is a public statement from OpenAI, indicating a commitment to transparency and accuracy in interactions with all users. It applies to all interactions conducted by the AI model, not just those with you. Thank you for prompting this clarification, and I appreciate your understanding.”

Now it’s up to us users to hold OpenAI and all other purveyors of LLMs accountable for the statements their machines create no matter what prompts we give them.

I suspect the fine print in the user agreements we all have to commit to in advance of using chatGPT will make it impossible to take legal action against OpenAI. But we can still vote with our dollars, with our feet, and with our communications to the developers of these products. Take the time to speak out if you are as bothered as I am by the directions the AI movement is taking.  So far, AI is like a toddler running around with no judgement and a risk of stumbling into the fire. We are the adults (well, some of us anyway). LLMs as well as other AI technologies can grow into marvelous additions to the human environment.  But we’re going to have to socialize them and not permit them to embody, no, simulate the worst qualities of human beings. This little tale is just one example of how we can go wrong.

See this whole chatGPT session, here: https://chat.openai.com/share/431ce57e-9fd4-48b1-bb42-70a7c37339f2

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Is climate change going to wipe out humanity? No!

Desolated city

Creator: gremlin Credit: Getty Images

The disastrous effects of a changing climate – famine, floods, fires and extreme heat – threaten our very existence.

https://www.un.org/en/content/common-agenda-report/summary.shtml

This quote, from the very first page of the United Nations Common Agenda Report Summary, is wrong. Yes, there is a very real threat – but it isn’t a threat to the “very existence” of humanity. It is highly unlikely that climate change will cause such widespread death in the human population to reduce the 7,953,952,577 or so individuals now alive down to the 500 or so that would be necessary to repopulate the Earth.

What is threatened? The way of life enjoyed by the wealthy people who live in the richest nations on the planet. Yes, the poor are likely to die first under the influence of climate degradation. The wealthy will be able to move inland, to higher ground, or further from the Equator. They will be able to buy expensive food and build fire resistant, air conditioned homes. Yes, quality of life is likely to decline even for the rich. But no, climate change is not going to wipe out the human race. A comet strike? That could do it. Huge solar flares? Possibly. Global nuclear war? We might not survive that. But climate warming due to human activity? This is a self-regulating problem.

Why is climate change self-regulating? Because, as changing climate conditions kills off our excessive population, poorest first, it will also decrease the industrial activity that causes it. Humans will lose the technical capacity to keep pumping carbon and other pollutants into the atmosphere. Without such interference the planet will reach equilibrium again. Overall mean temperatures may be hotter than the previous they have been in more than 100,000 years but, as a species, we are likely to adapt.

 

The last time the Earth was this warm was 125,000 years ago

https://www.usatoday.com/story/weather/2017/01/18/hottest-year-on-record/96713338/

 

Modern humans have been around at least 196,000 years and maybe as much as 300,000 years.  (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Early_modern_human). They have lived through major climate changes that they did not cause. Some of us more modern people will too.

I’m not suggesting that there is nothing to worry about. The possibility of knocking human progress back to the stone age is no laughing matter. The likelihood of a global population collapse as cultures struggle to adapt to warmer and more volatile weather is not fun to contemplate. But does exaggerating the consequences of climate change help or hinder the popular crusade to halt human impact on planet-wide weather? By suggesting that the human race will not survive we make it easier to dismiss the whole issue.

IMHO, overstating the consequences of climate change empowers climate change deniers.

Flames rise from the remains of a house that burned down in Santa Rosa. (Jeff Chiu/AP)

 

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