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All my life I have felt like an outsider, like I’m an actor on a stage playing a role for an audience. Am I autistic? How would I know? Does it matter?

Am I autistic?
Well, that depends on who is applying the label. People have called me many names but no one has used the terms autism or Asperger’s. When I asked my psychotherapist whether he thought I had Asperger’s syndrome he replied, “Definitely not”. But recently I have been reading what adults diagnosed with some form of autism say and comparing their descriptions with my lifetime of internal experience. There are a lot of pretty close matches.

How would I know?
Here are some clues.
The website https://www.medicinenet.com/what_are_the_signs_of_aspergers_in_adults/article.htm
offers 10 signs of Asperger’s in adults. Keep in mind that there is a lot of disagreement within the medical community about where to draw the line between ‘neurotypical’ and ‘neurodiverse’ but these 10 are usually mentioned.

1. Social awkwardness. Check. As far back as kindergarten I have felt like an outsider, feeling excluded, not knowing how to get myself included, baffled by how to take appropriate turns in a conversation. My peers told me I was “stuck up”, “conceited”, “scary”. I wasn’t disruptive so adults didn’t say anything.
2. Difficulty understanding jokes or sarcasm. Uh huh. Mom used to tell me I was too “literal minded”. And I hated the situation comedies that were (and still are) popular on TV. I thought they were demeaning rather than funny.
3. Challenges in making or keeping friends. That one’s a definite match for me. My response to the pandemic was relief – – “getting in touch with my inner hermit”, I explained to the folks I ran into while out walking my dog. Most of the time I prefer the company of animals rather than humans, although lately my cat has become annoyingly demanding.
4. Sensory and motor issues. This is not such an obvious fit for me. Although…I don’t choose bright lights, avoid rock concerts (loud noises), and dislike perfumes. Food, balance, and coordination are not problems for me but I have a high tolerance for pain and only appreciate some types of touch.
5. Avoidance of eye contact. Bingo! Eye contact frightens me and I have no idea how some people find eyes to be the “windows to the soul”.
6. Lack of adherence to social rules. This ‘sign’ can be difficult to interpret. Although internally I don’t have much respect for social rules, it rarely occurs to me to break them with my actions. Perhaps this is the result of growing up in a household where breaking the rules had severe consequences. Or maybe staying with social rules gives me a sense of routine and security. In my head, on the other hand, there are no social rules.
7. Very strong and particular interests. No question that this describes me. Reading used to keep me up all night. I avoid video games because they are so addicting. Animals are my closest friends. I collect many different things, including genealogical data. Math, science, psychology and puzzles all turn me on.
8. Difficulty with change. Not my issue, at least, not on the surface. This could be because my ‘routines’ are so complex that they look like ‘change’. Or maybe difficulty with change is more salient for people with more chaotic sensory experience, those who find change threatens their need for control and predictability. It might be interesting to look into this further.
9. Strong ability to focus. That I can do. 50 years of fascination with learning and education attests to that. But I’m also quite distractible. I can start out researching one topic and suddenly get sucked into an in depth exploration of something related. I wonder if the difference between ability to focus and ‘attention deficit’ could be a matter of how rapidly focus shifts rather than lack of focus.
10. Strong attention to detail and pattern recognition. For me, it’s deeper than recognizing patterns. Patterns are very exciting. I love the weaves, textures, and graphic repetitions you find in a fabric store. Finding a typographical error in an essay is deeply satisfying.

Does it matter?
To me, a formal diagnosis or label doesn’t matter at all. That’s because I’m not looking for social services and support that require an official diagnosis for access. What I am seeking is understanding and comfort among kindred spirits. By including myself in a named cluster of like-minded thinkers I hope to be able to come down from the stage, to drop some of the actor’s facade and relax into myself while in the company of others. Sometimes we call these others ‘friends’.

In future posts I’ll reflect on some of my childhood memories and interactions, many of them disturbing to me, that I’m reinterpreting through a lens of autism. I find these personal narratives a way of soothing and comforting myself. My hope in making them public is that readers will be encouraged to construct their own narratives and will have a similar experience of enhanced wellbeing. 

 

 

 

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by | November 14, 2025 · 11:26 pm
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Contemplating Future Scenarios

In the spring of 2020, shortly after it was clear that the COVID-19 pandemic was not just a passing cloud briefly darkening an otherwise sunny global landscape, I was invited to join a group of forward-looking thinkers on the Millennium Project. Over the next 9 months we produced three “stories” about what the near future might look like as the novel virus rampaged through the world’s populations. Our purpose was not to blame or take political action. Rather, we sought to help medical, social services, NGO, and government decision makers prepare for an unpredictable future. (You can see a video report on this work here.)

This last week, Knowledge Management World published a review of the Millennium Project’s report. It begins:

“The American Red Cross is no stranger to crises and disasters. When things go bad, it is often among the first organizations on the front lines lending assistance.

Yet, last year, during the height of the pandemic, Michael Kleeman of the American Red Cross kept thinking a different approach was needed. In a recent report, he is quoted as reflecting at the time, “We’re so focused on what we have to do today to respond to the COVID pandemic that we don’t have time to think twelve-to-eighteen months down the road. But someone has to.” That’s when he turned to The Millennium Project for help.

Jerome Glenn, CEO of The Millennium Project, and one of the world’s top strategists, had to step back for a moment, since the vast majority of his body of work focuses on the long term. In fact, Paul Saffo, his colleague at The Millennium Project, studies time horizons spanning tens of thousands to billions of years. Never ones to pass up an opportunity, especially given the turmoil the world was (and still is) going through, they accepted the challenge.” Click here to read the rest of the KM World article

I posted these notes in the comments section following the article:

“Nice review, thank you Art.

Several points you made are worth emphasizing. First, future scenarios are not predictions. They are intended to bracket possible outcomes so organizations can prepare for a wide spectrum of events.

Second, the “citation ring”, echo chamber, or confirmation bias effect makes ferreting out reliable data difficult for experts and even more challenging for ordinary news consumers. On one hand, receiving the same message from a variety of researchers may indicate that the community of practice has tested a concept thoroughly and reached a convergent conclusion we can rely. On the other hand, multiple secondary reports may result from many writers picking up on the same, possibly fake, extremely preliminary, or mistaken published research. It take considerable sophistication to discern the difference.

A third issue you highlighted is data that did not “distinguish between purely COVID related deaths and deaths involving comorbidities.” This is an example of the logical fallacy, “post hoc ergo propter hoc” that concludes that if B follows A then A caused B. Under the pressure of so many hospitalizations of elderly and frail people, it was impossible to take the time to sort out whether an individual patient with COVID actually died of COVID-induced respiratory failure or something else.

Finally, it’s worth noting that the Red Cross is not the only response agency that could benefit from scenario studies similar to the one we did for COVID-19. Any time there is a large-scale event that plays out over a multi-year period, agency staff tend to focus on methods drawn from their recent training and experience. And, they talk most often to their known partners and colleagues which can enhance the echo chamber effect. But whether the event is a wildfire, a war, slow but inexorable climate change, or the impact of a new, rapidly-adopted technology, the uniqueness of the event calls for more robust and innovative responses. Scenario studies can both drive innovation and confirm the effectiveness of well-known practices. The world would benefit from more Millennium Project style thinking.”

My contribution to the Millennium Projects COVID-19 report was minimal and I was honored to be able to participate. Public health is not my area of expertise although I have been active in disaster preparedness and recovery in my home county, Sonoma, California. But, by joining this working group, I learned a tremendous amount about how to conduct future studies. Learning and education are my wheelhouse and the view from here is dismal.

Over the next two years I would dearly love to stage a Millennium Project study of the future of formal, non-formal and informal education. It’s not too soon to start taking names of those of you who would be willing to participate in the Real-Time Delphi process.

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by | November 7, 2021 · 12:46 pm