In Response to: Headfake by Jake Fuentes on Medium.com
Once those of us who are outraged by President Trump have come home from our demonstrations, what do we do next?
Listen to those you disagree with. They will say much that saddens and angers you. Keep listening. Ask them to say more about the concepts that distress you most. Don’t argue, don’t rebut, don’t press your own case. Keep listening until they begin to bring common values and interests to the surface. Connect with these. Build a bridge to the other founded on such commonalities as love of family, desire for comfort, fear of the unknown or of change. Let the conflicts fall away in the presence of mutuality. Demonstrate trustworthiness and willingness to see that person’s vulnerability without rubbing his/her nose in it. Doing this takes immense patience and the strength not to give in to your own fear.
In many, many cases you will discover that the people you thought were stupid, irrational, evil, are simply afraid for the safety and prosperity of their loved ones, just as you are. They envision a different path to goals that are very much in line with yours.
Very few people want to destroy the planet we live on, raise their children in violent neighborhoods, lose hope for their own futures. True psychopaths are quite rare. But most of us are afraid that the other doesn’t care about us. You have to start by actually caring in the face of blatant disagreement.
Once you have established a quiet, trusting dialog you can begin to listen to the reasoning that has led your conversational partner along his/her chosen path. Basic differences in beliefs about human nature, religious tenets, happenings in the natural world, events of history will emerge between you. Sometimes you will have to agree to disagree. At other times one of you may discover that he or she is holding inconsistent beliefs and values s/he may want to reconsider. New ideas may come up that one or the other of you has never considered before. Remember that this is a time for discovery, not persuasion. You are listening and learning. Don’t offer your own perspective unless asked. The strongest, most lasting changes are the ones a person generates from within, not force by external pressure.
If your listening orgy has been successful, if you can be trusted not to attack or threaten, it is very likely that your former opponent may begin to ask for your point of view. You have demonstrated your interest in how they feel and how they view their actions. You’ve created a safe space for them to explore how you came to your very different conclusions. In other words, how could you have become such a stupid, irrational, evil person?
This process may not result in a change of political party but many other positive outcomes are likely. You’ve established a dialog that can be used for collaboration on apolitical issues and actions such as neighborhood clean up, food-sharing or babysitting. You know where the hot spots of disagreement are and can avoid them in social encounters. You know where deep fears and insecurities lie and can sympathize or possibly relieve some of them. You can now probably engage in civilized political debate without deterioration into attack and name calling because you understand what leads your opponent to his/her position. You will know when to stand fast and when to compromise.
And, should there be any real enemies left, you will know who is seriously dangerous and whom you can tolerate.